When a Spouse's Career Is On The Rocks

A California wife wrote me recently about getting stuck in one of the most frustrating backwaters of marriage: What do you do when your spouse is stalled in a career crisis, and nothing you say or do seems to help?

Her husband, a professional in a shrinking industry, has been laid off repeatedly and just got slammed again by the latest in a series pay cuts. He keeps promising to train for a different career, but instead just sits at home browsing career books. 'I'm getting frustrated with his endless dreaming and inaction,' the wife writes. 'Should I just shut up and let him dream on, or should I try to encourage him, or discourage him?'

Or what? Too often, a spouse tries to double as a career coach when an employee's job hits a dead end. This only creates marital strain when the dead-ended partner fails to respond. The spouse also has a big stake in any family financial problems caused by bad career choices, widening the gulf between husband and wife.

Few couples seek counseling for job-related marital problems, but more probably should. The California wife is so angry and frustrated with her husband that she seems to have lost respect and affection for him. Research shows that when those warm feelings are blocked, a marriage can go downhill quickly. John Gottman, an author, researcher and emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington, has found that marriages are far more likely to break up when positive exchanges between couples, such as humor and affection, are eclipsed by negative ones, such as criticism.

Such examples are mounting fast. Another wife told me recently that her husband is burned out on his job and wants to retire, but the family can't afford it. This wife is trying to be helpful, suggesting additional training or a transfer. But her husband isn't taking her advice and just keeps complaining instead, making her increasingly annoyed. Another wife I know gave in to her husband's incessant complaints about his job and suggested he quit. Unfortunately, this touched off an 18-month stretch of joblessness for him that nearly wrecked their marriage.

Readers, have you found good ways to help a partner mired in a career crisis? Or are most job problems just too hot to handle in a marriage? What advice would you give these couples?